If you scroll down my Facebook feed, a vast majority of my friends between 18 and 25 are engaged, in various stages of wedding planning, married, or having kids. Meanwhile, I am single, working on my master's degree, deciding on doctoral programs, and spending copious amounts of time in my office at school. I am in no way trying to take away from the wonderful things that my Facebook friends are partaking in. Many of them even have advanced degrees, and I am happy for each and every one of them regardless of their education level. They are living their lives the way the want to, and for that I applaud them.
But here's the catch: because they are all getting engaged and married and having kids, I am constantly asked if I am dating or being pulled into conversations about how many kids everyone wants to have. So, here are the three biggest reasons why I am single and not looking.
- I am too selfish to part myself from any of my recreational activities and my friends because they are things I enjoy and want to do, and I am not ready to give any of these things up to devote that kind of attention to a significant other.
The first thing that comes to mind when someone asks me if I'm dating is, "When, exactly, do you think I have the time for a significant other?" Seriously. In the spring, I would get a text from my roommate making sure that I was alive because she wouldn't see me for two or three days. An S.O. would not be very pleased with the schedule that I keep. Most nights, I don't leave the office until well after school officially closes. And when I'm not working or doing homework, I have far too many tv shows and YouTube videos to watch. And then there are the hours devoted to social media because Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and Instagram don't just check themselves. All joking aside, I have finally been able to surround myself with friends that I genuinely care about and who care about me. I want to hang out with them and enjoy life while not letting our varying years in college/grad school drive us crazy. And you know, the thing about the tv shows and social media... - I have been in school, and doing very well in school, for 19 years, and I will be in school for at least the next 6 years. I would end up neglecting some aspect of my life, and I am not willing to let it be my education.
The next thing that I think about is how much longer I am going to be in school earning my degrees. I am halfway to my master's degree in psychology. After I finish the 2015-2016 academic year, and all goes well, I will be starting my Ph.D. in the fall of 2016. In my experience, people don't understand how long it takes to earn and Ph.D. or how much time, within those years, is devoted to earning said degree. The average length of the programs that I am interested in 6 years of study, and some require summer attendance. Within each of those semesters, I have to take a specific number of credit hours, all of which require work outside of class. Also, I have to work for the school in order to receive the tuition waiver and stipend, so that's roughly 20 hours of work per week. Trying to have a regular social life without an S.O. sounds pretty hard, let alone one with an S.O., and I'm not going to even think about what it's like to have kids during that time in my life either. And while I am aware that many people are able to maintain a romantic relationship and parent children while accomplishing these same things, I do want to need to have the ability. - I do not subscribe to the idea that I have to get married and have children in order to be happy with my life. Nor do I have to do either of those things because other people have done them, are doing them, or will do them. And I certainly don't have to do them because anyone other than me thinks that I should do them.
Growing up in the South exposes one to traditions that aren't necessarily shared by the rest of the United States. And the people of the South like to hold on to their traditions, tightly. When you mix Christianity in with the Southern culture, you begin to notice that a lot of people are getting engaged during or right after their senior year in high school. And those that don't get engaged then usually get engaged in college. It's just the way things are done, the way they've always been done. I know that this is not exclusive to the South, but it seems more important here, in my experience. I have never even had a boyfriend or a first kiss. And I am perfectly happy with that.
Church people asked me if I had a boyfriend every time I came home from Chicago, and not much has changed now. Someone even thought, for 2.5 seconds, that I was a lesbian because someone joked (It was very clearly a joke...) that that was why I didn't have a boyfriend. Any questions about my sexual orientation aside, why was that a better explanation than my lack of a desire for a boyfriend? I, also, have some people suggesting boys that I grew up with as potential suitors. (The list is getting shorter because the boys keep getting married.) And my sister having a boyfriend does not mean that I am falling behind or missing out on something. I am totally okay with being the Maid of Honor in her wedding and not the Matron of Honor. She can get married first. She can have children first because then I get to be the cool aunt. (But I will fight her for the cool names to name children that I dug up during my hours of putting our family tree together on Ancestry.)
There also seems to be this idea that marriage and kids are essential in order to be happy or have a good life. I don't think that is true. I know that I have several more years of school ahead of me. I enjoy school, so that doesn't bother me. I will be around 30 when I finish my Ph.D. I still want to travel after I finish my studies (and maybe during, but definitely after). Traveling with children is not something that I want to do. And while traveling with an S.O. might not be the worst thing in the world, I am 22-years-old, and I have not been outside of the United States. I want to be able to take a trip, where ever I decide, with and without whomever I please. I don't want to be responsible for other people while I experience the world. I want to be able to be myself and experience myself without other people being my responsibility. That is something that would make me happy.
I hope that these reasons did not come across cynical or judgmental. I am happy with my life and its contents. I don't feel that I am lacking in the relationships and kids realm. And I hope that the people around me can accept that. And to those that won't, well, I don't feel the need to explain myself any longer. I love the idea that I will have nieces and nephews (biological and non-biological) that I can spend time with and then give back whenever I please! Seriously, the rental option sounds great! I'm not opposed to having an S.O. or children, but it's not something that fits into my life right now, or for the foreseeable future.
Until next time,
<3 Amber Marie
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