Ode to 2013

So, I hope you aren't expecting the bullet pointed list like last year because I honestly don't remember enough details to do a month-by-month breakdown of the year. Oops. Lol.

Since my last post was super heavy. This one will be happier! :)

I just want to say peace out to 2013. It was the year

• I saw two Starkid shows live. Perks of living in the city in which they are headquartered.
• Delta Zeta won SongFest at Nicholls, and I got to be there! :) Surprised my grand-big because she didn't know I was coming.
• My sister visited me for her birthday and we saw Darren Criss in concert!! EEK!
• My parents visited me in August and helped me move. We went to the Art Institute Museum and the Museum of Science and Industry.
• My uncles, aunts, and two cousins visited that week too and we went to the Lincoln Park Zoo and North Avenue Beach.
• I got a new job and quit the old one.
• I dropped a class I really liked in order to save my GPA.
• I changed my mind about grad school more times than I care to admit, only to end up choosing a focus I had considered waaaayyyy before I had ever started college. (Thanks for pointing that out, Mom.)
• I had my first (three) snow day(s) of my life!!
• And I survived a Chicago winter. (Though, I'm told that was mild...)
• I started writing a new novel. (400-something words and going strong...lol)
• I watched quite a bit of John and Hank Green and friends make fools of themselves on the internet in order to raise money for The Foundation to Decrease World Suck during their Project for Awesome 48-hour live stream on YouTube.
• I trudged through the beginnings of my second Chicago winter, which has already involved nearly 8 inches of snow and ice since Thanksgiving and numerous days of subzero wind chills.
• I go asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in 2016. :)
• And I get to end the year back in Louisiana with my family and my best friends. :)

So, au revoir 2013. 2014 is my year. I will finish undergrad, walk across the stage, and start my next two years of school. (Le sigh)

See you on the other side!

<3 Amber Marie

Two Years Ago...

...moving to Chicago was, as I put it in the blog entry title, "A Dream With A Chance of Becoming Reality" and I have been living that dream for a year and a half. And what a year and a half it has been.

Honestly, when I look back at to the things I posted on Facebook, Twitter, and here or when I read diary entries from before I moved here, I do not recognize that person. I know that some of it has to do with growing up, but a huge part of it has to do with the fact that I did not feel the pressure to be the person everyone I knew thought I was.

Let me stop for a second and explain what I mean. I spent my life trying to be the person I thought everyone would want me to be. There was influence from my parents, my sister, my friends, the people from the church who had known me for most of my life, the women in my sorority, the BCMers, and literally every other person around me that I thought I had to impress. Can you imagine how much pressure that was? Seriously, just think about it for a second. I was so caught up in attempting to be someone that all of these people could accept and look to all at once. I am not saying that any of these people ever expressly said that I should be one way or another. I am saying that, through my interactions with each of these people, I assumed different layers in order to appear to be one of them. The level-headed daughter who was on the Dean's List in college. The bossy-yet-understanding sister that Ash needed. The perfect, little church girl who never missed a Sunday and went to youth, prayer, and youth prayer every week too. (Of course, that was taken on after the BKN-influenced young teen years.) The studious, philanthropic sorority girl. The Christian influence to the campus I inhabited. Get the picture?

Also, I feel compelled to note, I do not think that I am the only person to have ever dealt with anything like this. Nor do I think that I am a special case. I just know my truth. These pressures, especially piled on top of each other, were crippling for me. That is all I am trying to express.

As I grew up, some of those roles just did not quite sit right anymore. The biggest one was that I could not agree with some of the things that I saw going on, and heard being taught, in the church I had gone to for 14 years. (I am fairly certain that this is the first time that I am publicly admitting this, so I hope this isn't unsettling for a few readers.) I will not go into details; this is a completely personal matter, and I am not sure that it is even something that could be put into comprehendible words. Nevertheless, I was churchless for my first year in college. Call me cliché, whatever. I needed to find my own way around in my relationship with God, which, for me, meant letting go of everything I thought I knew and understood about God, religion, doctrine, et cetera. I was pretty radio silent with God that year too. (During class in English 101 in my first semester, a guy in my class invited me to the BCM, but I did not go until my sophomore year when a Delta Zeta invited me to go.)

Anyway, I am getting off track. Moving to Thibodaux removed the sisterly duties, for the most part, and the good, little, church girl pressure was mildly alleviated, though not completely as I still interacted with a lot of those same people on weekends and over breaks. I took on the sorority girl and BCM attendee roles sophomore year. They were not nearly as stressful as the earlier pressures, but I still was not completely happy. This had a lot to do with my need to please everyone. I hate conflict, and that will never change, but I let it get out of control. I refused to address several things during my sophomore year, specifically things that had to do with my roommates (i.e. my bff and my big sis), in hopes that I would either get used to the existence of said annoyances/issues or that they would magically disappear and all would be well. I wanted to still be a child, who did not have to deal with things. There was no being an adult, confronting the issue, and coming back from the fallout.

Alas, this did not end well. Each teeny, tiny little irk, complaint, annoyance, outright frustrating thing piled up and collapsed in ruin on my life. It cost me my best friend and my big sis. And honestly, that was just the immediate cost. I lost contact with another friend because she was friends with my best friend too, and I did not want her in the middle of my problem. There were certain sisters I felt like I couldn't interact with because they were friends with my big sis. My grand-big sis turned out to be a great source of comfort and guidance, but I am not proud of how that affected her relationship with my big sis for that period of time. Going to DZ functions meant that my big sis was there, which was all kinds of awkward. I mean, how do you make it not obvious that you aren't speaking to your big sis when you're around all your sisters? The list goes on and on. That is what forced me to make a decision between staying at Nicholls and moving to Chicago.

Chicago was a God-send. No joke. I did not know it when I wrote my first post about it two years ago, but there is no doubt about it now. My last semester at Nicholls was hell, and I spent many nights crying because I did not want to go back and deal with the fallout of losing my best friend and big sis. It got to the point that, when I went home for the weekends to work, I would have my dad pick me up as soon as I got out of class around 11 am on Fridays and have him drive me back on Monday mornings right before my first class so that I would not have to be in the apartment on Friday or Sunday night with my roommates. When I wasn't crying, I was trying to figure out where I would live in the fall because my current roommates weren't an option, and Nicholls had just implemented a new way of assigning dorms, which would have left me with a less desirable room assignment than incoming freshman. (It was stupid and complicated and confusing and no one liked it.) I had a friend offering to let me live in her father's house with her, it was so bad. I was feeling utterly defeated. I could not, no matter how many other people I had by my side, go back and run the risk of seeing people, who I used to be close to, around and having to pretend that they did not exist because we were not speaking. I would have had to be fake during encounters with my big at sorority events. (Don't even get me started on the family pics my grand-big wanted...) I would constantly be reminded of the stupidity of the fight that ruined everything because I took numerous walks around the campus to cry on the phone to my parents about the situation so my roommates wouldn't hear me cry. Being on that campus another semester, let alone another two years, would have killed me. My spirit would have been broken. So I ran. Nearly 1000 miles.

Not only was I able to escape the debilitating surroundings of small-campus Nicholls State in small-town Thibodaux, Chicago removed every pressure I had felt. (Minus the studious-need-to-get-good-grades part, which will never go away.) I knew no one, not even the girl I was moving in with. No one knew what roles I had played before I got there. I was no longer the buffer between my sister and my parents. I didn't have to be the conservative, Evangelical Christian girl who went to the BCM. I was not surrounded by my own mistakes and the friendship fallout. I could be whoever I wanted. There was no baggage. I was free to express myself, and there was no prior knowledge to be applied to me. (The only role I genuinely miss(ed) was being an active collegiate in Delta Zeta.)

Now, I know that I could have done this without moving to Chicago. It would have been about a million times harder, but it could have happened. I could have decided to say, "Screw everyone's ideas of me, I am going to chose to not hide my true feelings." Remember when I said I don't like conflict and always want to please everyone?? Yeah, well, how do you think that would have gone over? I cannot stand letting someone down, no matter what. It's physically painful for me to think that I have not lived up to whatever someone has thought me to be. Changing into something other than what people, who had known me for practically all of my life, can we say crushing? I have a lack of self-confidence. It was so much easier to change into the person I wanted to be 1000 miles away from the judging eyes.

Since moving here, I have decided on a church to attend for myself. I am surrounded by like-minded people there, and I feel free of obligations to be certain way. I have reengaged with Delta Zeta by joining the Chicago Area Alumnae. I miss my chapter, and I will always regret missing out on many of the things that come with being an active member in college. But these women remind me why I chose a sorority and why I chose Delta Zeta. My friends...honestly, I do not know what to say. We are from vastly different backgrounds, but I would not trade them for anything.

Even now, I can see myself being vague and skirting around some huge ways I have changed. With all the ways I have changed into a vastly different person in the past year and a half, I still cannot cope with the idea that people, who I used to be close to but maybe aren't so much anymore, thinking differently of me. I don't know how to get over that, but I suppose I still have time to work that out.

But this is why I don't want to come back. I know it would be easier for me to go to graduate school in Louisiana. Cheaper. More convenient for my family, who I miss desperately. One of my best friends might be going there too, and we could live together. But I can feel the pressure coming back. Honestly, it is only the pressures from the people of the church I used to go to that I am truly worried about. I do not want to let that crush me. I can be myself away from them. And it isn't like I can un-know them, especially since I would be going to school in a city that has a satellite campus of my old church.

If I could have my way about this, I would be able to stay in Chicago and allow myself to grow in the church I am attending. I would continue to connect with my sisters in the alumnae group. I would pursue my graduate education in the city which helped inspire my social justice aim in my education.

For now, though, I will look forward to 2014 and graduation and 7 more months of Chicago. Who knows what those months have in store for me.

<3 Amber Marie

p.s. This is so not the post I intended it to be. I was just going to post all the things I've done since being in Chicago and friends I've made, etc. I'm not sorry for what it turned out to be, but I feel like I might have misled the reader to believe that it was going to be a more uplifting post. I had a lot to get off of my chest. There's some still there, but this feels better. Thanks for sticking through it.

p.p.s. Bonus points to whoever figures out what 'BKN' stands for. It's not really that hard, if you know me.

I am pleasantly surprised...

...but will also warn you, that due to my perfectionist tendencies in things related to academia, I am slightly annoyed with myself, so I will be complaining and making excuses. Since this is my blog, I think I'm entitled. Lol.

Final grades for this semester were posted yesterday. My grades were:

Criminal Justice = A
Intro to International Relations = A
Psychology of Racism = A
Learning Theory = A-

which means my semester GPA was a 3.91. (So, I should just shut up and move on with my life. But I'm not going to because of reasons.)

Criminal Justice wasn't too much of a shock, although, the multiple-choice on the final was surprisingly tricky in comparison to the midterm material.

I was shocked to see that I had achieved a solid A in International Relations because, frankly, that class was hard and confusing and not at all taught like a 100-level class should be taught. Politics isn't easy, and when the class starts out above your head, you feel like you're drowning...FAST. That, coupled with the fact that the professor posted absolutely zero grades on Blackboard online, so no one had any clue what there grades looked like at any point in the semester. So, I was very happy with my A there.

Honestly, Psych of Racism was, by far, my easiest class, and I expected nothing less than the A I received.

Finally, we come to Learning. (I added the 'theory' to the class title earlier because I believe it to be confusing to just call the class 'Learning.' We learned classical and operant conditioning, if that helps clarify.) Now, there are a two things that prevented me from achieving a solid A in this class; one of those things was beyond my control. First, I had a graduate student as my instructor. This is not uncommon, and I am pretty sure that I will, at some point in my graduate career, appreciate that colleges and universities allow their graduate students the opportunity to work to pay for their education. I have had one spectacular graduate student instructor, with whom I have taken 2 classes and am taking one more with her in my final semester. I have had two decent graduate student instructors, and I achieved As in their classes. (I should, also, note that all of the previous classes taken with graduate students were 200-level or below, and Learning is a 300-level. This might have been a poor choice of what class she should teach her first time around...maybe...) This graduate student was teaching a class for the first time. I know, they all have to start somewhere. And, I have to say, by the end of the semester, she had this teaching thing under control. But the first three weeks of classes were not good. There were numerous things that we had to bring to her attention that were hindering our ability to grasp the complex theories. This is half of the reason, I believe, that I got a pretty low B on the first test. During this same time, I was still enrolled in the history class that I eventually dropped. Because I was trying to keep up with the work in the history class, I missed out on an extra credit opportunity that would have brought my low B up to a mid A. I decided to drop the history class too late, and this is why I am annoyed with myself. If I had dropped that history class 4 days sooner, I could have done the extra credit, and the 4.0 semester would have been mine.

Anyway, I'll stop with the whining. I know that I did well, but the +/- system sucks when you're on the minus end of it. My seven-semester cumulative GPA is a 3.72 now, which is up .03 from the spring. My psychology GPA is a 3.80 up .01, and my Roosevelt GPA is a 3.87 up .02.

I'm ready to kick serious patootie next semester with 18 hours/6 classes. One more chance to get a 4.0 semester in my undergraduate career.

<3 Amber Marie

p.s. 5.5 days until I am back in NOLA!

Seven Semesters Down!

ONLY ONE MORE TO GO!

How the heck did that happen?? I swear, just last week, I was a freshman, moving away from home for the first time and meeting my roommate, who would become my best friend that year. And just a few days ago, I joined Delta Zeta and gained the best women in the world as sisters. And just yesterday, I moved to Chicago, which is a whole other experience on its own. Yet, here I am. The last of my three best Chicago friends is graduating on Friday, and I embark on my last semester of undergrad.

Soon it will be me walking across the stage of the Auditorium Theatre receiving my Bachelor of the Arts degree in Psychology. (Well, figuratively. They'll mail my diploma to me like 3 months later...)

I cannot believe that this part of my life is almost over. It's been a lot of hard work, but I'm 99% sure it will all be worth it in May. ;)

<3 Amber Marie

Procrastination Station

Things I have done instead of writing my 10-page paper that's due at 10 pm:

• Scrolled through Facebook
• Scrolled through Tumblr
• Scrolled through Twitter
• Scrolled through Pinterest
• Scrolled through Instagram
• Figured out my grades going into finals week
• Watched How I Met Your Mother
• Watched The Vampire Diaries
• Shopped online even though I'm broke
• Typed this entry

I'm so ashamed...lol

<3 Amber Marie

p.s. Only 18.5 days until I'm in NOLA! :)

Insomnia Strikes...again...

It's my fault. Well, I guess technically it's work's fault, but I screwed up my sleep schedule in order to work the midnight shift on Black Friday. As a result, this is the fourth night in a row that I've been up until 3 in the morning. It wouldn't be such a problem if I didn't still have four more days of classes and two days of finals left before school's out. And I would like to go to church in the morning, so sleep would be kinda nice.

It's funny though. I used to stay up this late all the time, and it was a non-issue. Le sigh. I guess that's what happens when you have to grow up. (Seriously, this growing up thing sucks.) I have friends that are still in high school or in their first year of college who stay up until 6 am sometimes, and I feel like the old fart who tells them to enjoy that ability while it lasts. Lol. I remember going to class a few times on like 2 hours of sleep freshman year. Those days are long gone.

So I guess my point is, stay up all hours of the night while you still have the ability to function on few hours of sleep, youth of the world, before you get to old for that stuff! :)

<3 Amber Marie

la de da

i've done some blog redecorating.

it had been a while.

pretty colors.

new fonts.

new picture.

:D

<3 Amber Marie

Heh...

Remember when I said that I *might* change one of my classes next semester?? Well, I changed two.

Spring 2014 Schedule aka FINAL SEMESTER OF UNDERGRAD

M/W
Sociology 211: Contemporary Global Issues
Sociology 260: Society & the Individual
Sociology 232: Urban Youth in Culture of Violence
Psychology 319: Child & Adolescent Psychopathology (M only)
Psychology 220: Social Psychology (W only)

T/Th
Women and Gender Studies 110: Intro to Women and Gender Studies

Aaaaaand...grad school has changed. Shorter list. Let's see if you notice the other difference. ;)

James Madison University - Harrisonburg, VA
DePaul University - Chicago, IL
University of Louisiana Lafayette - Lafayette, LA

See it???

So, yeah. That's all for now. I'll be in NOLA in 28.5 days. WHEEE!

<3 Amber Marie

*whistles nonchalantly and scoots into your view*

hi.

it's been a while.

again...

I'm sorry??

things have changed.

again...

Shall I update you??

Okay, so what had happened was...

School started.

I quit Lane Bryant. (I am still at Bath and Body Works.)

I dropped Imperial Russia. (many different reasons why. it's kinda sad, but it was necessary. This also means I have to take 18 hours next semester...)

Speaking of which, the classes I chose for my last semester of undergrad are:
- Childhood and Adolescence (this one might change...)
- Child and Adolescent Psychopathology
- Urban Youth in a Culture of Violence
- Contemporary Global Issues
- Intro to Women and Gender Studies
- Drugs and Human Behavior

I am still going to grad school next year...(well. I'm 80% sure I am, but don't tell anyone I said that.)

My focus, schools, and states have changed.
- 1 in Chicago
- 1 in Virginia
- 1 in North Carolina
- 2 in NYC
- 1 in San Francisco
- 1 in LA (as in Los Angeles, not Louisiana...sorry.)
- 1 in DC

I took the GRE and, apparently, I am as good as the average verbal test taker (whoo!), worse than 78% of the math test takers (you don't say...), and slightly above average in writing (as if I didn't know that...).

Umm...OH, and I will be in NOLA from December 25 (yes, Christmas Day) until January 2. So yeah. That's exciting.

Soooooooo. That's life. I refuse to make promises about how often I'm going to be on here. It's unrealistic. I am about to embark on my final semester of undergrad, and that's freaking terrifying. I've kinda been a big bowl of blah. (*pauses to admire own use of alliteration*) But yeah. I don't know what else to say.

See you soon??

Amber Marie <3

Sooooooooo....

I've been gone awhile despite being on summer vacation, and I come back less than two weeks before I go back to school. I don't really have an explanation for the disappearance or the reappearance so close to the beginning of my senior year of college. That's just the way it worked out....

SO, here are a few updates:

• I got a second job at the end of May. I'm currently employed at Lane Bryant and Bath and Body Works. Yay??
• I moved. I no longer live 45 minutes (on a REALLY good day) away from school and work. I am a 15 minute walk from work and 30 minutes from school (on an average day). So YAY!
• I will not be visiting Louisiana until at least Christmas, if not New Year's. I thought I might make it there at some point this summer, but the new job and the old one and life happened, and visiting is just not possible. Not yay...
• I am not planning on law school anymore (for now, at least). Instead, I am focusing on getting a Master's in school counseling or school psychology. This means no LSAT, for now, and instead I am studying for the GRE...soooo yeah...lol
• I am not taking a year off like I wanted, which means, after next summer, I may no longer live in Chicago. It all depends on the programs I get accepted to and can afford. I am planning on applying to 3 programs in Chicago, but none of them are in the top 5 of my 8 schools (which, if you just did the math, means that they are actually my bottom 3...).
• In regards to grad school, I have 8 schools in 4 states picked out. 2 in California, 1 in Washington, 2 in New York, and 3 in Chicago.
• And finally, since I am a giant nerd, I CANNOT WAIT TO BE BACK IN SCHOOL! The 23rd cannot come fast enough. I am kind of really excited about my classes for this semester...but check back with me in September because that might change pretty fast...lol

Anyway, as far as classes this semester go, I did not go quite as crazy as last semester. I'm only taking 5 (15 hours), so that's nice. Since I am a senior and I, apparently, did a great job picking the classes I wanted to take, I had a bit of freedom in my choices for classes this semester, and it looks like I can pretty much take whatever I want next semester, literally. This fall I'm taking: Intro to Criminal Justice, Intro to International Relations, Psychological Study of Racism, Imperial Russia, and Learning. The only classes I had to take were racism and learning, and that's because they were the only classes that interested me that fulfilled their respective requirements. 

So, yeah. I'm a senior and this is my life right now...lol

Until next time,

Amber Marie <3

I'm baaaaaccccckkkkkk!

Hey! It's me again! Plain, to see you again! Annnnnd...that's enough of Cheap Trick...(thank you to How I Met Your Mother for getting that song stuck in my head...)

I survived the hardest semester of my undergraduate career! I had 6 solid As going into finals week, which is a big deal since grades on are the +/- system here, so a 93 is an A- and therefore is not an 4.0. Then the Sunday night before finals starts, I get sick. And I'm not talking head cold sick or nerves sick...I'm talking a sickness that was not pretty. I was sick for a solid 36 hours, and missed 3 finals, which my professor (same one for all three classes, which was convenient) was kind enough to let me make up. And even with the amazing kindness of my professor, I knew that my 4.0 for the semester was gone. Being sick for 36 hours really screws stuff up. I ended up with 3 As and 3 A-s, which I know is spectacular, even when you don't take into account that I was sick for the first day and a half of finals week, and that I had to make up 3 finals, back-to-back, on the same day, in my professor's office, with her sitting right there, an entire week after I would have taken them had I not gotten sick. Anyways, I'm not "complaining" about my 3.835 gpa for the semester, which combined with last semester's 3.868, gives me a 3.85ish gpa at Roosevelt (and brings my cumulative gpa for my first 3 years of college to a 3.69), it's just frustrating that I had the 4.0 within reach and lost it because I got sick. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful to my forensic psychology professor, who taught three of my classes, for letting me make those finals up with no penalty. And I am lucky that my cross-cultural communications professor allowed me to turn in my final paper 4 days late and only took 10% off of my grade. I know that I made out like a bandit in this situation, but the perfectionist in me misses that 4.0.

But hey, I kicked some serious butt this semester considering the workload that this 18-hour semester threw at me, especially the month of April. Goodness. The month of April, alone, had a group project with a PowerPoint presentation, a big project that involved interviewing people about their stress levels, 2 huge homework assignments, 1 test, an individual presentation on an article from a scholarly psychology journal, an 8-10 page case report where I had to pretend that I was a repressed memory expert who was going to testify in court, an oral examination where I had to pretend I was a repressed memory expert who was testifying in court, 2 basic papers, and 1 of my 6 finals (would have been 4, but I had to make up 3 of them). That's not including trying to keep up with the readings in some of those classes. So yeah, I survived, and I did well. I'm so glad I never have to take 18 hours again.

OH, and I'M A SENIOR IN COLLEGE NOW! How did that happend?? It really makes me feel old and like an adult, and I just don't like it...lol. But seriously, I'm a senior. I have to start making big life decisions about graduate school or law school or working or what the heck I actually want to do with my life after I graduate...that's intense.

For now though, I'm going to take the summer to work, study for the LSAT, and take advantage of the fact that I live 5 blocks from Lake Michigan and do some reading on the beach. LET'S GO SUMMER 2013!

Until next time,
Amber Marie <3

Oh noes!!!

I missed the month of March! :( Sorry, guys. College life is keeping me really busy. On the plus side, I suppose, I only have 28 days until summer vacation. So that's nice. Too bad the next two weeks are going to be beyond crazy. Projects, presentations and papers galore. :/ Back into my hole I go......

<3 Amber Marie

A Day to Celebrate the Birth of a Particular Person

HEATHER!!! YOU ARE ANOTHER YEAR OLDER!!!

How exactly did that happen? I don't like feeling old, but you getting older makes me feel older. Lol.

But I suppose that I can live with the fact that you have, in fact, aged another year because you are a spectacular person. So, yeah.

Happy birthday, kid.

I miss you!

<3 Amber Marie

HOW IS THIS MY FIRST POST...

...in 2013!? It's nearly the end of January! I'm so sorry, friends. I'm taking 18 hours this semester on top of working part-time. And yes, I am slowly going crazy. So this is an apology/warning post. I will try to update once a month. I am saying once a month because that is the minimum I want to do until the semester ends on May 1st. That doesn't mean there won't be any more than that, but don't count on it. I am saying try because I am going to be insanely busy. I do regret that I won't be able to post a lot. But this is necessary for me to finish college on time. (Side note, it is crazy that, after this semester, I will be a senior! What is this!? How did this happen!?) So, I am off to write a paper and a question and comment set for two different classes. Hope the first month of 2013 has treated you well.

Until next time,
Amber Marie <3