Long week ahead...

My dad's younger brother died about 24 hours ago. He had cystic fibrosis, and he'd been really sick lately. At least he went peacefully in his sleep. He was 34. His funeral is on Friday in near Nashville. So Wednesday evening, after my mom gets off of work at around 4:30, we will be heading to Tennessee. We'll stay at my dad's older sister's apartment. We'll be there until Saturday. We have a lot of things to do tomorrow, but I can't seem to want to fall asleep. This is not the greatest way to start a new year. I sure hope 2012 doesn't follow in the footsteps of this first week.

So about my uncle...first of all I haven't seen him since his wedding which was in May of 2000. Yeah, 2000. 11 1/2 years ago. There's a lot of unsettled family drama that I know basically nothing about and probably shouldn't post even if I did, which is part of the reason I haven't seen him since I was 8. (This family drama is going to add to this long week...) So when I cried this morning, I found myself wondering why. I came to the conclusion, over the course of today, that I cried because I knew my family was hurting, not because I was hurt. Honestly, and it's sad to admit, I didn't know the man. I haven't seen him since I was 8, and it's been hit and miss communication on birthdays. I'm pretty sure he missed at least half over the past 11 years. And that really doesn't bother me. And that's what bothers me. I don't really feel a loss right now. I cried this morning because my aunt had to drive from Nashville to Indianapolis to tell her parents that their son was dead. I cried because my grandma and my grandpa had to hear that their son died before they did. I know my grandma and I knew that this news would literally kill her inside. There was so much tension and anger on both sides of that relationship, and now he's gone, and she can't try to fix it anymore. There's a but more that I won't say here about my grandpa and his hurt, but I knew that this would affect him in a different, yet equally painful way. I know that I will probably be hit with a range of emotions when Friday comes, but I have a feeling it'll be me hurting because people that I love, who actually knew him, are hurting, and not because I am hurting over the loss. I feel bad for not feeling like I lost a family member, but it almost feels like he wasn't a part of my family because he basically hasn't been a part of my life since I was 8.

I don't know where this leaves me. Yes, I lost an uncle. Yes, I am sad. Yes, it's a stressful time. But, I just feel like I should be a bit more sad, or upset, and I'm just not.

Anyway, you can expect more about this week as it occurs, or at the very least a post on Saturday or Sunday summarizing the week. I'm afraid my blog won't be nearly as optimistic as my last post. Sorry, just not a very optimistic week.

Love,
Amber Marie