General rambling about decisions and pros and cons...the usual

Over winter break, if you were to ask me if I was going to be in Chicago for the fall 2012 semester, the answer most likely would have been yes. Fast forward six weeks later, the answer's not nearly as certain. After slipping back into the swing of things with DZ and friends and school in general, everything feels right. This is what I'm supposed to be doing, and this is where I'm supposed to be. There are so many things that I would be leaving behind that I really don't know if I could desert. Delta Zeta (the bond & connections), the BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministry) where I've been getting my spiritual nourishment, the small town homey feel, and the people. I think the people might be the hardest to leave behind. There are so many that I would miss. Certain ones who would be sad and maybe even hurt if I left. I know that a few would be happy to see me pursuing something that I truly want to do, but I still feel like there's a bond that I can't just walk away from.

There's a rational part of me that thinks that if I do go to Chicago and it doesn't work out that I may be embarking on the biggest mistake of my life. How could I ever overcome that? What if I go to Chicago for a semester and realize film isn't what I want to do with my life? What if I thrive in the film department, but then I can't find a job? What if? What if? And this part of me wonders why I would even consider transferring if there are so many ways this can play out, and it could end with some not so pleasant circumstances. This part of me wants me to find some absolute that will keep me where I am, in the field I'm in, and just be done. This part of me also asks, how can you leave your sisters after one year? How can you leave your best friends behind? How can you leave the place you have called home for most of your life?

On the other end of the spectrum, there's a part of me that plays the other what if game. What if I don't even pursue film as an option? Then I have even more questions in the future because when I look back I will ask: What if I had gone to Chicago? What if I'd made it in the film industry? How could my life have been different? Where would I be now? This part of me uses the rationalization that in two more years I'll be graduating and leaving this place and these people anyway. My family will most likely be leaving before the year is up, and why shouldn't I go with them. It's only two years.

And with all of this still going back in forth in my head, I took the next step toward the possibility of going to Chicago. I completed, submitted, and paid for my application to transfer to Columbia College Chicago. I still have to submit my school forms, transcripts, etc. And there will be phones calls to Columbia's admissions and financial aid departments. And who knows what else I will have to do. I am still no where near making a decision, but at the same time, I am one step closer to making the decision.

Thank you for bearing with me while I ramble around in circles about this situation. I just need somewhere where I can put this all down for future reference. And maybe I'll get somewhere in the decision making process.

You'll definitely hear more later. :)
Bye for now,
Amber Marie