Before I reply, let me show you what advice I was given:
"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR HEART AND
LOGIC! THEY ARE DUMB!!! YOU HAVE TO GO WITH YOUR DREAMS AND GO TO
CHICAGO!YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO TO GO TO CHICAGO? I WOULD GO
FIND SOME POOR BLOKE AND CUT OFF HIS HANDS FOR THAT CHANCE!
(probably not, but you the picture) SO YEAH, YOU NEED TO GO!!!"
Well, if things keep going the way they're going, I'm pretty sure I will. I'm pretty confident that if my parents leave Louisiana, I will too. I know I could handle being in Louisiana without them, but I don't really want to. I want to be close enough that if anything happens on either end that I can get there without a lot of trouble. I want to be able to surprise them with visits and vise-versa. I know I have a lot of support from my sisters and my friends, but it's not the same as having family close by.
I still haven't made a firm decision, but there are more things that are seeming to pull me from Louisiana, and I guess I just have to wait and see where this takes me.
Amber Marie
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
General rambling about decisions and pros and cons...the usual
Over winter break, if you were to ask me if I was going to be in Chicago for the fall 2012 semester, the answer most likely would have been yes. Fast forward six weeks later, the answer's not nearly as certain. After slipping back into the swing of things with DZ and friends and school in general, everything feels right. This is what I'm supposed to be doing, and this is where I'm supposed to be. There are so many things that I would be leaving behind that I really don't know if I could desert. Delta Zeta (the bond & connections), the BCM (Baptist Collegiate Ministry) where I've been getting my spiritual nourishment, the small town homey feel, and the people. I think the people might be the hardest to leave behind. There are so many that I would miss. Certain ones who would be sad and maybe even hurt if I left. I know that a few would be happy to see me pursuing something that I truly want to do, but I still feel like there's a bond that I can't just walk away from.
There's a rational part of me that thinks that if I do go to Chicago and it doesn't work out that I may be embarking on the biggest mistake of my life. How could I ever overcome that? What if I go to Chicago for a semester and realize film isn't what I want to do with my life? What if I thrive in the film department, but then I can't find a job? What if? What if? And this part of me wonders why I would even consider transferring if there are so many ways this can play out, and it could end with some not so pleasant circumstances. This part of me wants me to find some absolute that will keep me where I am, in the field I'm in, and just be done. This part of me also asks, how can you leave your sisters after one year? How can you leave your best friends behind? How can you leave the place you have called home for most of your life?
On the other end of the spectrum, there's a part of me that plays the other what if game. What if I don't even pursue film as an option? Then I have even more questions in the future because when I look back I will ask: What if I had gone to Chicago? What if I'd made it in the film industry? How could my life have been different? Where would I be now? This part of me uses the rationalization that in two more years I'll be graduating and leaving this place and these people anyway. My family will most likely be leaving before the year is up, and why shouldn't I go with them. It's only two years.
And with all of this still going back in forth in my head, I took the next step toward the possibility of going to Chicago. I completed, submitted, and paid for my application to transfer to Columbia College Chicago. I still have to submit my school forms, transcripts, etc. And there will be phones calls to Columbia's admissions and financial aid departments. And who knows what else I will have to do. I am still no where near making a decision, but at the same time, I am one step closer to making the decision.
Thank you for bearing with me while I ramble around in circles about this situation. I just need somewhere where I can put this all down for future reference. And maybe I'll get somewhere in the decision making process.
You'll definitely hear more later. :)
Bye for now,
Amber Marie
There's a rational part of me that thinks that if I do go to Chicago and it doesn't work out that I may be embarking on the biggest mistake of my life. How could I ever overcome that? What if I go to Chicago for a semester and realize film isn't what I want to do with my life? What if I thrive in the film department, but then I can't find a job? What if? What if? And this part of me wonders why I would even consider transferring if there are so many ways this can play out, and it could end with some not so pleasant circumstances. This part of me wants me to find some absolute that will keep me where I am, in the field I'm in, and just be done. This part of me also asks, how can you leave your sisters after one year? How can you leave your best friends behind? How can you leave the place you have called home for most of your life?
On the other end of the spectrum, there's a part of me that plays the other what if game. What if I don't even pursue film as an option? Then I have even more questions in the future because when I look back I will ask: What if I had gone to Chicago? What if I'd made it in the film industry? How could my life have been different? Where would I be now? This part of me uses the rationalization that in two more years I'll be graduating and leaving this place and these people anyway. My family will most likely be leaving before the year is up, and why shouldn't I go with them. It's only two years.
And with all of this still going back in forth in my head, I took the next step toward the possibility of going to Chicago. I completed, submitted, and paid for my application to transfer to Columbia College Chicago. I still have to submit my school forms, transcripts, etc. And there will be phones calls to Columbia's admissions and financial aid departments. And who knows what else I will have to do. I am still no where near making a decision, but at the same time, I am one step closer to making the decision.
Thank you for bearing with me while I ramble around in circles about this situation. I just need somewhere where I can put this all down for future reference. And maybe I'll get somewhere in the decision making process.
You'll definitely hear more later. :)
Bye for now,
Amber Marie
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Decisions, Decisions
Yup, I'm back on the life-changing decision to move 937 miles away from the place I called my home for practically my entire life, change majors to film, which is not the stablest of career choices, and changing schools and leaving friends behind.
I've already brought the topic up to my best friend, though it wasn't the first time I'd brought it up to her. Now, I have to decide how to bring it up to my DZ big sis. I don't want her to think I'm abandoning her. There are so many things that are a part of the decision, and it's hard. I mean, my dad just told me that he's looking into job openings at the Nestle plant in Indianapolis. That's an even bigger step towards my family leaving Louisiana than I imagined would happen in at this point. He hasn't even gotten a notice that he's going to be laid off. But this is huge. He's planning. Now, I feel like I have to move my plans along too. And that's a lot of pressure. I mean, I just got appointed to 3rd guard for DZ, which includes a role in initiation, but if I leave, they'll have to replace me. I had no clue when I applied for that position that I might not be back next fall. I've made so many friends, and I don't want to just leave. But, I also have to consider what's best for my family and for me. But right now, sitting in the apartment I share with my best friend and big sis, I don't really know what's best for me. I can see myself both in where I am, and in Chicago. But what I can't see is myself as a psychologist. I don't know what took that vision away, but I don't see myself being happy with that career path. If I continue on that path, I see myself asking all of the what if questions. I don't like what I see. But the film career path seems like a fantasy. I'm sure I don't even know what hardships could await me on that path.
I'm almost scared to admit it, but at this point, I think I'm taking on the mentality that I'm young and now is the time to make mistakes. So we'll see where this takes me. Ugh, being an adult sucks! Why can't my parents just tell me what to do like they did for the first eighteen years of my life!?
Oh, well. I'll be back with more, I promise.
Bye for now,
Amber Marie
I've already brought the topic up to my best friend, though it wasn't the first time I'd brought it up to her. Now, I have to decide how to bring it up to my DZ big sis. I don't want her to think I'm abandoning her. There are so many things that are a part of the decision, and it's hard. I mean, my dad just told me that he's looking into job openings at the Nestle plant in Indianapolis. That's an even bigger step towards my family leaving Louisiana than I imagined would happen in at this point. He hasn't even gotten a notice that he's going to be laid off. But this is huge. He's planning. Now, I feel like I have to move my plans along too. And that's a lot of pressure. I mean, I just got appointed to 3rd guard for DZ, which includes a role in initiation, but if I leave, they'll have to replace me. I had no clue when I applied for that position that I might not be back next fall. I've made so many friends, and I don't want to just leave. But, I also have to consider what's best for my family and for me. But right now, sitting in the apartment I share with my best friend and big sis, I don't really know what's best for me. I can see myself both in where I am, and in Chicago. But what I can't see is myself as a psychologist. I don't know what took that vision away, but I don't see myself being happy with that career path. If I continue on that path, I see myself asking all of the what if questions. I don't like what I see. But the film career path seems like a fantasy. I'm sure I don't even know what hardships could await me on that path.
I'm almost scared to admit it, but at this point, I think I'm taking on the mentality that I'm young and now is the time to make mistakes. So we'll see where this takes me. Ugh, being an adult sucks! Why can't my parents just tell me what to do like they did for the first eighteen years of my life!?
Oh, well. I'll be back with more, I promise.
Bye for now,
Amber Marie
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