Vampires for Jesus

I went to church with Rachel Beth on Sunday. The church that one of her aunt's go to was having luncheon after the service, and Rachel and I decided that it was only polite to eat the food if we also attended the service. But this was not any normal church going experience for Rachel and me.

It was a very small church. When I say that the church was small, I mean it could seat 100 people, maybe. And in this particular service, there might have been 20 people if you include Rachel and me. And it was mostly elderly people. Rachel, her cousin, and I were the only people there under the age of 40. And a majority of the people were over 60.

It was a Methodist church, and Rachel was raised Baptist while I grew up non-denominational. So, we both knew that it wasn't going to be like anything we were used to. Though the church I went to in Chicago had me better prepared than Rachel was. Methodist practices, in my limited experience, include portions where the congregation repeats or recites something along with or back to the preacher. It's helpful for visitors to pick up a program on the way in so that they know what to say and when to say. Rachel and I did not have a program. That coupled with her aunt bringing us right up to the third row five minutes after the service began really got us off to a rocky start.

When we finally found the right hymnal to sing from, we at least were able to keep up with what was going on even if it was a little awkward. Then came time for the sermon. This service was special because the former preacher came back to give the sermon on this particular Sunday. Now, I've heard a sermon, or thirty, about the Lord's Supper and the meaning of Communion. But never, in my 22 years of life, have a heard a sermon about Communion that so clearly allowed me to understand where the myth of the vampire could have come from. That's right, I think it came from the Bible.

Before anyone says anything, I am not trying to bad-mouth anyone involved. I'm not trying to make light of the Bible or Communion. I am telling the story of the sermon that convinced me that Christians who believe in partaking in Communion are basically Jesus vampires.

The preacher comes up to the podium, and he says he's going to read from John 6. He says he'll be talking about Communion. At that point, I'm fine. Maybe I'll learn something new about Communion. I'm really trying to get something out of this sermon. I mean, I haven't been to church in a few months, so I'm really trying.

Now, if you don't know anything about Harry Potter, then this will mean nothing to you, but this man talked slower than Snape. The meme on Tumblr where Snape takes two text posts to finish a sentence has nothing on this man. He read three verses, without doing anything but reading the words, in 7 minutes. The verses were not that long. So, I'm starting to get antsy. This is going to be a long one.