I've been thinking....

I know for those of you who know me, those might be the scariest words you've ever heard (or in this case read), but I'm serious. You know what I've been thinking? I've been thinking (I can see you cringing!! lol), I've been thinking that Shrek was right. "Shrek was right."??? What ever do you mean?? Well, let me tell you.

Shrek said that ogres were like onions; they have layers. Well, what I've been thinking is that people have layers. Now, I know that this is not a new concept. Not only did Bro. Jonathan just talk about that a few weeks ago, but I am also learning about Freud in Psych 101, and he had a theory about the layers of our conscious.

Now, I'm not necessarily talking about the layers of our conscious. I'm talking about the layers of our personality in regards to what we show to certain people. (For those of you in the youth group, you know that's what Bro. Jonathan was talking about.)

If you've read my last few posts, you know that I've been ranting about two people that I consider to be my "best" friends. Well, I've been thinking (There are those scary words again!!) that I don't know if I can call them my "best" friends. Now, before you flip out because you are thinking a million different things about what I mean by that, let me explain. I don't know if I can call them my "best" friends because they don't know me. The real, true me anyway, or my id according to Freud. They know a lot of things that other people who are my "just" friends and my former "best" friends would never guess in a million years, but compared to what I know about myself, and even compared to what other sets of "best" friends know about each other, they really don't know anything.

I have so many layers that it makes me wonder if I have a problem. I mean honestly, I don't know if I could count how many layers, or I guess I could call them faces, I have. I feel weird admitting that, but it's kind of a relief. It feels good to admit that I am not the same person with everyone. I know there are a select few who have seen more than one face, but most only know one.

Recently, I have been tossing aside some of the faces that I have decided were unnecessary, either because the person/people know another face, or because I just don't care what those particular people think about me anymore. And while this is liberating, it also makes me feel exposed. It's almost  like saying, "Hey, I've been acting like someone different around you, but I don't feel like it anymore, so here's the "real" me, or the face I want you to see anyway."

And then there's another thing that kind of scares me, it's seems that I am very good at keeping track of which faces/layers go with which people. I'm not saying this to say that I'm proud that I can trick so many people and keep it straight. I'm actually saying that I wish that I would fail sometimes. I wish that I would screw up and reveal my true feelings to someone, accidentally, just so I wouldn't have to act anymore. It gets tiring. Pretending to be so many different versions on myself takes time and effort.

You know, I thought that once I got to college last August that I would be able to start brand new. I'd give up all of my old layers, and start off right with this new set of people. But instead of losing my old layers, I added some more. I did drop a few because I don't talk or hang out with some people, or they know another face, so some faces could retire, but I still have so many layers. If I were an onion, I'd be one huge freaking onion.

Now, it seems as though it should be easy to just come out and say, "YO! This is who I really am. I'm sorry if I'm not who you thought." But it's not. That's what would come out of my mouth, but all everyone would hear would be, "Hey! I've been lying to you since I've known you, but I still want to be friends." Would you want to be friends with someone who walked up to you and said that your friendship was based on a lie?? I know I wouldn't.

So therein lies the issue, and that's what has been consuming my thoughts for the last few days. It's pretty deep stuff, I know, but it's something I've really been trying to figure out. And I'm just guessing, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who had thought about this. I don't think it's something I can solve, but maybe through this reflection, I can figure out how to fix things with some people who are seeing faces that they've never seen before.